My friend recently told me that when he went to a middle school for a work related thing, a group of middle schoolers kind of openly mocked him and spoke about him as if he wasn’t there.
Middle Schooler 1:”Dude, I’m almost as tall as him!”
Middle Schooler 2 :”You’re stupid dude, he is short. So who cares if your almost as tall as him even if he is an adult?”
My friend is like 5′ fucking 11”. That is fucking tall or almost average, dude. I am 5′ 9” so I must have dwarfism. Fuck Middle Schoolers.
So I decided to define them in the lexiconical (not a word) gem that is Urbandictionary.com. It might not get approved, but here it is. I think all the aggression of enduring Middle school and my douche peers and working with some of them poured out. I even mention scalping!
Enjoy:
Middle Schooler
n: a student currently enrolled in classes at a middle school. AKA little shithead or little motherfucker.
There is a stratification in type of the middle schooler, which might not classify them as a ‘little shithead’ or ‘little motherfucker’. These adolescents should be avoided or pitied, since they are experiencing the worst and most awkward period of their lives. middle school .
From their douchebaggy, bluetooth-wearing SUV-driving parents, they feel that the world is their oyster, and the general public will put up with their bullshit in the local mall. They exploit this fact, because murder is illegal in the United States.
Because they were “hot shit” in elementary school they disrespect all elders and authority figures at all times of their parasitic lives: Parents, school bus driver, teachers, and general public after their Moms drop them off at the mall.
Side fact: They don’t need a 100$ phone to text their “BFF”s. But they must have it or their parents are denying them a basic human right.
The typical middle schooler has emo hair that is constantly in their eyes and contributes to their overall douchebaggery. Found in myspace pictures, usually taken by themselves, they include the obligatory pooched lip/peace sign posturing.
They continue to exist because murder is still illegal. At some point, a license to kill will be granted to hunt the middle schooler if proper permits are acquired.
EXAMPLE:
*you are walking in the mall and a laser pointer is suddenly shined on you. You freak out a little because you can’t “bat away” a laser, and because of 9/11 or whatever. You confront the culprits with their douche hair and north face jackets.*
You: “Uh, can you not do that?”
Middle Schooler Gaggle in mocking voice: “UHH DUHHH CAN YOU NOT DO THAT! HAHAHA!”
You: “Do I need to find security?”
Middle Schooler: “DO THAT, OLD MAN! MY DAD OWNS THIS MALL!”
You: ” I’m only 27, and you’re lucky that I can’t kill you little motherfuckers. Otherwise I would scalp the emo hair off your heads and feed it to you, then straight-up murder your asses.”
Middle Schooler Gaggle in mocking voice:” DUH HuH WHA I’M STUPID AND OLD HAHA!”
It’s funny…really funny. But it scares me that you have so much anger while working with the youth of America. But again, I haven’t been around middle schooler’s in a while, an dif I remember way far back to the JWR and the worst kid ever… I remember these feelings. Ya know, the fat one? Who looked like the kid on Goof Troop? And he always stole shit. But he lived with his G Ma, who did not have a van and a bluetooth to pick him up. He rode his sick razor scooter every where. DAMN, what was that kids name?
Oh my god. I totally know who you are talking about, Kelsey. I can’t remember his name either but his face is in my mind. I hated that kid too. He used to come into the art room and annoy the shit out of me until I would kick him out and he would leave laughing at and mocking me. Wasn’t his name like Tanner or something like that? By the way, Kelsey and Kevin, I have enjoyed reading this blog. Keep it up.
H i Kate!
Kevin and I thought really hard all day. He came up with Jason and I said Chase. And then Kevin remembered that it was those names combined to form a really stupid name” Chasen.”
He was a but hole. I hope he reads this and changes his life. Buthole.
Chasen!!! That’s it. A stupid name for a stupid buthole. I miss you guys. I don’t think I have seen either of you since your wedding, Kelsey and that sucks.